Heart break.

Heart break. What does that even mean?


I guess its a statement we use without thinking. I was guilty of that until my heart was broken.

I finally feel like I can write about it without crying uncontrollably at my desk. I can type the words without every sad thought flashing before my eyes.
The pain is present still, but its bearable.

Almost four years ago, I began a serious relationship. I fell in love hard and fast. I was forever changed. As much as I hate to admit it, I was that girlfriend that I never expected I would be. I felt like I needed him. I did need him. His family became mine and I fell in love with every single one of them. I think thats why this is so hard. Its why the wound is so raw. Things between us haven't been right for awhile but its hard to admit.

I wasn't willing to give up, I wasn't ready to be defeated.
There comes a time when a person can no longer deny the inevitable. We didn't love each other the way we used to. It was different.

I cried a lot the last few weeks of our relationship. Thats not what happiness is supposed to look like. I knew that. We both knew that. I saw it as us giving up. We were giving up on each other. We were giving up on the last four years of our life. I think thats why it was so difficult for me. At what point is the problem 'unfixable?' Had we reached that point? Was it time to call it quits?

The good times were so good. Those are the times I think about when the room is quiet. When Im alone. When I flip through pictures on my computer. I guess that also makes the healing a little bit easier. Im not mad or bitter towards him and he is not mad or bitter towards me.

Its still hard though. A few weeks have now passed.
I still cry, but the tears are few. My heart still aches, but the pain is starting to subside.

Sometimes I confuse this independence with loneliness. But I am slowly healing and slowly learning. I am grateful for an overwhelming support system. They hold me through my tears and keep my thoughts occupied. I am forever thankful for them.